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Friday, March 31, 2006

Frankly speaking I do not know how to start writing, which is why I never succeed in writing diaries or even update my blog. I do not know how to start to write what I feel or even express myself, the reason being I have too many problems and I don't know where to start.....I am going to try writing now.......

Once a upon a time, one friend actually asked me to share my problems with her, but then I didnt reply her, then she answered for me....wow...so good....you dont have problems.....haha...I was laughing to myself...yeah....I dont have problems.....I have too many problems..........it has been so long since I last felt this strong feeling....coming back to me now again......there is no meaning in life.....I cant find anything meaningful for me to stay alive......this feeling which I had when I was very very young..........this world and people around disappoint me so much..that it hurts........I admit I am not an optimistic person...I am not.....I am still trying....hard to be one.....

I remember the lst thing I start to learn was the war news from television....that lst thing that came to my mind is why people are fighting over stupid...silly reason.....trying to hurt each other because of that reason that they think they should fight for.....isn't surviving with a good will the meaning of life.....oh yeah...and they think they are clever...of cos i am referring to humans.....haha....the start of the chain where I hate humans....because of their stupidity and selfishness.......people never seem to understand when they hurt one person or themselves, others get hurt as well, the pain of losing one' love or friends or family.........maybe they know but then they prefer to escape reality.....

So tired.....not physical but mentally....for years I have been trying to accept the fact that I am not ideal....in fact too many flaws......one of them is indecisive......I hate humans but I still want to help them.....cos I cant bear to see people sad or in pain.....so I try to change that hatred to love for humans....hoping one day...they might change for the better.........haiz.....it seems like the more you hope....the more disappointed you get.......

yesterday my parents quarrel.........why.........because my dad went to ktv.....my mum not happy.....standing on their views, I do understand why my dad went to ktv.....he loves singing......he has so much unhappiness in the office..........and has to work so hard to pay for bills, flat and car....the financial burden is too heavy for him....but he is still trying hard for the family......and he is not a perfectly healthy person....that is still the heavy burden on medical fees as well.....all the financial and emotional unhappiness is too great......he has to vent his anger and distress....which is why he gets angry over little things......and I really dont like him to be angry...cos it makes him even more unhealthy.....but he didnt change much.....ktv is a relief for him....really.........but then my mum also not happy......I know why also.......she has to work until so late everyday.....cannot take leave cos no pay for leave....and she was supposed to work EVERYDAY.......and why...because poor family mah.....too many financial things to account.....I understand that my parents are working very hard for the family....so after she came home everyday at 9 plus sometimes ten plus.....she dont get to rest.....she has to do the chores.....ironing clothes....washing clothes......boil water...clean this and that....mop the floor once a week....the chores seem never ending......by the time she finished...she is very exhausted....imagine when you are so tired...working so hard....someone else...my dad is enjoying himself at ktv....of cos not happy lah....especially with people whom she dont like....some colleagues who likely to seek advantage for others to pay the bills......so they fight over this issue....

So what's the conclusion......why my mum and dad have to work so hard....cos I am useless mah....I dont earn enough to make them quit their job.....I didnt help them do ALL the chores......not good enough.....oh perhaps u like to ask why my brothers never help......boys are always boys......they are always not responsible enough.....little bro may know he needs to help....but he dont show it....he is TOO lazy.....doesnt help with chores at all.....only knows how to create them for me......cannot blame him...cos he has a bad example.....my big bro......from young...only knows how to go sch...then go out play or stay at home with computer....that;s all he ever do.....so my little bro follows....except sleeping is included..........so left me....always me..........from young.....I have to save up...fearing that my dad needs $ for medical.....so I quit eating sweets....save $.....I dont go out....save $.......dont want my mum or dad to mop floor....so i stay at home every sat to mop the floor....cos if i dont mop....when my mum came home late...she will insist to mop floor herself..when she is already so tired...and aged le.....SO i stay........my home becomes my outing place........always so quiet......so alone....cos my brothers will be out....playing...enjoying themselves with their friends....many a times...when I mop the floor...I will grumble to myself....why they dont try to save $....why they dont help......why do i have to sacrifice everything.............especially when i am sick and my leg or hand pain.......in the end...I have to force myself to believe that...I am not meant to be happy.........I will sacrifice my happiness for others..as long as it makes them happy...............so all these ten years......I live like that......family is the only reason left worth living.........but then I still so empty.........this world is empty.....my house is empty..........my feelings are draining...perhaps that day when I dont have feelings or compassion for any life..........may come soon.....haha......but I am still trying to work hard.........to be happy cos I want people around me to be happy...........even if I have to fake my happiness....which I have done so many years...I will still do it.............I WILL until my heart can no longer breaks........cos it doesnt exist any more......

dolphin
UPDATED @ 8:07 PM

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